The thing I hate most about adulthood is the decisions. Every day, I have to make them. Every decision feels like something that will permanently impact my future. And for some reason, I thought that life would be more black and white. I thought there would always be a clear right and wrong, so I thought life choices were easy.
Life isn’t black and white. Life decisions are hard. I look at my options, and I realize that (within reason) there are no right or wrong decisions. I like to be right. I like to do the right thing. So I should be comforted by the fact that as long as I don’t go out and do crazy things that completely ignore the leading of the Holy Spirit, I won’t be wrong.
I’m not comforted. I’m frustrated and scared. Not all of my options can be right. This does not compute.
I used to be so encouraged when I finally figured out that God’s plan for my life wasn’t just one path that I had to find and follow. That as long as I was trying to live for Him, I would be in His will. That I wasn’t going to somehow miss it. Now that I’m trying to get ready for the world outside of the BJU gates, I’m a little bit less encouraged.
Not only do I not know what God wants me to do, I don’t know what I want me to do. Suddenly, I want things to be black and white. Black and white are uncomplicated. Black and white are clear. The end. Boom. We’re done. Decisions made. For the first time in my life, that’s what I want.
Unfortunately, my wants dictate nothing in this universe.
So here is the great transitional point. The waiting period. The time where I’m just sitting here waiting for a door to open so I can go somewhere. The sooner the better. Oh, wait. God’s timing. That’s right.
Here is the point where my parents are stepping back a bit too far. Now I want them to tell me what to do, and they won’t. Which is good, but uncomfortable.
Here is the point where I try to include my boyfriend in my life decisions.
Here is the point of the swirling vortex of terror. The future is the scariest thing in the world, and it’s much, much too close. May 6th is coming much, much too soon.
I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where my heart is. I don’t really know anything. Except school. I love school. Please let me stay in school forever. As long as I don’t have to live in the dorm anymore. Or wear skirts every day. And as long as I can have Netflix.
The point is, I don’t have this. I do not have my life together. I’m not sure I ever will.
I don’t got this… but God’s got it… and God’s got me.
Here is the point to see what He does.